|last night, or rather, this morning, i had a dream...i was at my grandfather's (who died a little while ago in real life) farewell. it was like he was a king of sorts and all kinds of bigwigs were there to say goodbye. in the dream, my mother asked me to keep out of sight because my grandmother didn't want anyone to see me. after the mayhem was over, i went over to my grandfather and my mother thought he had died and had taken off his tie because my grandmother had told her that there were diamonds inside of it (my mom really is a generous person in real life, i am not sure what this part meant) and i put my head to my grandfather's chest and i could hear his heart beating...i looked at his face and he opened his eyes suddenly and they were blue...cloudy like a blind person's eyes would be even though his eyes are brown, and he said to me "tashie...don't waste your life..." and i told him i wouldn't. and he was gone. jake's alarm went off and literally a moment after he said that, i bolted up in bed.|
my family left south africa when i was little due to the political climate. we grew up mostly without grandparents. my dad's parents died when we were fairly young, and my mom's parents would come to visit every few years maybe, my granny is not a caller, a card sender, or a gift sender, so all of us grew up kind of without grandparents. for some reason, my granny, who is mean to everyone has a soft spot for me, even though my mom says that she tells her that i am mentally ill for having tattoos and she is ashamed of me. who knows? regardless, she is fairly mean to most people's faces, and is really sweet to me, so i just take it as it is. anyway, the dream was very odd, because i really loved my gramps and was sad when he died, but i was in america, so i didn't get to go to the funeral in australia (that's where my rellies live now). i had a dream the day he died and knew that he had, though. those things happen with me sometimes.
the dream i had last night really freaked me out. it made me wonder what it was that i was really meant to be doing that is important and meaningful. it made me upset because i feel lazy, even though i know i am too tired or sick sometimes to do more than i do. i worry that i suck as a business owner and don't work hard enough as an artist. i don't even know how to vocalize how i feel. i am so flaky about my work. i hop around from one thing to another. of course, i go through phases of utter obsession to one thing and then just get it out of my system and move on. i wonder, is there something that i should be doing? what is my idea of living my life fully?
my family and friends are important to me. i would do anything for them. making things is important to me, but at the same time, it is a compulsion that i couldn't ever avoid. i have to. but should i be focusing on fine art? do i even have any desire to be a part of the "art world" again? there is a wonderful middle ground of fiber art and fine art that has a softer edge to it that is a better fit for me, but i guess i need to really try to figure out what my goals are and start working toward them in some kind of organized way. you know, like working?
i feel scattered. lazy. i know that i produce a lot of stuff, but i guess i feel unfocused.
i will also add that i got my period today and i know that my tears a few hours after the dream had to do with that.
jakie got up early on a sunday when he has to work next week to help a friend move,and between the two of us, we have moved probably more than 30-40 times i bet and he hates moving more than almost anything. although we haven't seen him a whole lot lately. that jake...he is a good monkey. and then on saturday, he got up early and drove i think about an hour away to give red blood cells and take the bone marrow doner test for a co-worker who is having a drive because his kid has leukemia. again, he is such a nice person. he has the universal blood type, so he donates all the time. he is the guy that helps anyone and doesn't expect anything from anyone ever. his mom and dad are that way, too. i think lots of people are generous, but it is always so amazing to me when you see someone like jake that really just does it to help and there is no expectation of anything. sweet. i love him!
i am going to be listing some of the softies on www.luxe.etsy.com to-morrow, i think. i made a new one today out of one of the first "yarns" i ever spun when i got my drop spindle from sheep and wool. let's say that it is um...not so soft and a bit...overtwisted. it is just natural colored and kinda felted but it worked well for the amigurumi. i will take photos of him and the third sister beaverhousen to-morrow. i also need to work on writing up their info onto whatever so that whoever buys them has their birthday info and background. immunizations and such. handspun yarn works incredible well with them. i gave this new guy a bellybutton. not sure what his story is yet. he refuses to talk to me. so. i will post that to-morrow.
i finished never let me go, which was a bit um...boring and predictable. and at the end, i wasn't sure what the point even was. i think it must have been about technology and science without any moral limitations. it was just...slow. and i knew where it was going, but i kept reading thinking that there must be more to it. must be. yeah. nope. not so. and in the end, it is about human cloning for use as donors, and it is hard to decide really if it is worse to let a sick child die or use an organ from a person who was born to donate and has no issue with it. that was the especially strange part. it never occurred to any of them that they could run away. they didn't seem angry, or upset that they couldn't have a life past their teenaged years. you cared for those that donated until you yourself became a donor, and they took your organs at multiple times until you die. it is kind of hard for me to feel anything for the flat characters that didn't seem to aspire to anything at all. even animals going to the slaughter fight. fish out of water thrash about...so. i don't recommend the book. one of the reviews i read compared it to margaret atwood and i was offended. i guess it wasn't poorly written just very slow and very very dull. i am now upwards and onwards to the book i have been waiting for...rant by chuck p. i got it on vacation, but jake wanted to read it and i had a bunch of other books. anyway, as always, his books are really fun to read and exciting. he is fantastically quotable, and i have a colored pencil in the book, as usual. my absolute favorite of chuck palahniuk's books is called diary. if you are an artgirl or boy and like a good, exciting book...this one...soooo goood. i have read it more than once, which is really rare for me and you catch amazing little morsels everytime. so pick it up. really good. this one is an oral history of the man blamed for a world epidemic of rabies. yeah.
also, we watched "close your eyes" which was rather good. okay, i am getting sleeeeepy...